When I first got the idea of writing this post I had just stumbled upon a quote on Pinterest ‘just because things could’ve been different doesn’t mean they’d be better’. For the past month I’d been in a slump, I say a slump but prolonged state of depression fits better and I’d been so desperate for a reason other than a chemical imbalance as to why I was feeling the way I was.
And there it was right in front of me. The sign I’d been searching for, handed right to me in the form of an aesthetically pleasing pin.
I’m a dreamer. I’m an overthinker. And I’m incredibly nostalgic for all the things I know I’ll never get back. So when I found myself in in a situation I had no control over I ended up doing the one thing you can always count on me to do. Writing.
The other day I was thinking about where I am in my life. More specifically, about how little of that has been my choice. As a teen, a lot of decisions that get made, decisions that affect me, aren’t my choice.
I just can’t get it out of my head that things should’ve turned out differently. That it’s not fair certain things in my life turned out the way they did because of other people and not because of myself. It’s a lot easier to look at a situation (good or bad) and admit to yourself that you’re the one who put yourself there. That things happened the way they did because of your actions and the choices you made. Because if you’re the one who put yourself in the situation, if you’re the one in control of what happens, you decide what happens next. And I don’t have that.
I don’t get to choose what happens next and it’s hard to feel helpless.
I feel like one of the main reasons I have trouble accepting things and waiting in general is because in nearly all my past experiences people are kinda reckless when it comes to me.
I guess I just gave all the best parts of myself to all the wrong people and I’m still dealing with the reprecussions of that.
Here’s the thing about change, it’s scary. Daunting in capital letters. And lately, at least in my life, it’s felt a lot like falling down a rabbit hole and hoping there’ll be something to catch me.
Change put me in a situation. A situation I feel stuck in. But a change is also going to get me out of it (whenever that is).
I think sometimes it’s easier to romanticize an idea. That sometimes we trick ourselves into believing that the grass is greener on the other side because that’s easier to think than it is to come to terms with the possibility that it isn’t. And a heck load easier to resist your current situation, than to take the steps necessary to adapt and flourish within it.
So how do you accept that you have to remain in a situation no longer serving you (at least for a little while)?
Well let’s see. Do you:
a) shamelessly binge watch every season of Gossip Girl b) find a way out and never look back or c) adapt
The answer dear reader, is D. All of the above, probably not in that order though. If there is one thing I’ve learnt in the past two months it’s that there is always another option, even when we choose not to see it.
You will spend hours writing in journals and watching Kalyn Nicholson on YouTube and buying self help books and thinking and (if you’re anything like me) crying and talking to friends and mentors and blasting Lemonade (thanks Bey) through your headphones.
And eventually you’ll come to the same realisation I did.
You’ll figure out that the universe doesn’t make mistakes. That there is a lesson you have to learn before you can leave. That your breakthrough is not going to happen at the same time as others’. And that even if you have to work harder than others for the same thing, you are still worthy and deserving of everything that sets your soul on fire.
“for a seed to achieve it’s greatest expression, it must come completely undone. the shell cracks, it’s insides come out and everything changes. to someone who doesn’t understand growth it would look like complete destruction” -Cynthia Ocelli
All my love,